Goaltastic's coming home

GOALTASTIC is moving to it's new, permanent home at the Loughborough Echo site, at http://blogs.loughboroughecho.net/goaltastic/
To read it click here - thanks to everyone who has read this draft site over the past few weeks, whether you liked it or not.

Sneaky WAGs heading to South Africa

WAG Watch, Goaltastic's new feature which proves that behind every great man there's a great wife or girlfriend, has rumbled two of the England camp's sneakiest WAGs.
Alex Curran and Abbey Clancy, the other halves of Liverpool's captain Steven Gerrard and Spur's robotic dancer Peter Crouch respectively, plan on defying England boss Fabio Capello.
During the tournament WAGs are banned by the boss, with only fleeting visits allowed, but according to reports both have lined up extensive modelling work in the African country during the Summer, and will doubt be up to no good, probably sneaking around in sunglasses etc.
Seriously, you don't get this sort of problem with the French national team.
Oh wait...

Chelsea champs

CONGRATULATIONS to Chelsea, who scored a truckload of goals today to secure the Premier League title.
Over the course of the season, you have to say they were the best team and deserved victors.
I have to smugly say I know how Carlo Ancellotti feels - today I was also confirmed as the winner of the Loughborough Echo league, my team racking up 2,204 points to finish first in the mini-league and 72,532 in the world.
Want to wipe that self-satisfied grin from my face? Join the Goaltastic league for next season, put together a team at http://fantasy.premierleague.com - it's free to do - and then join the Goaltastic league by using the code 1034621-447644.

Rooting for Forest and Foxes

THIS coming week is the biggest for football in the East Midlands in a very long time.
Since Derby limped out of the top flight in 2008 licking its considerable wounds, it's been possible for football fans to drive the length of the M1 on away days without passing by a Premiership stadium.
But this weekend, both Leicester City and Nottingham Forest could progress to the play-off final.
And fingers crossed, should they overcome Cardiff and Blackpool respectively over two legs, the East Midlands would then be guaranteed a team being promoted alongside Newcastle and West Brom - as well as a ding-dong of a play-off final to decide which.
How long they victor would stay there can be a concern for another season...

Playing the Blues

CHAMPIONSHIP-chasing Chelsea FC football players Didier Drogba and Florent Malouda are also targeting the pop charts.
According to reports, the footballers have formed a band. Malouda plays the drums, while Drogba is learning to play a bass guitar given to him by Wyclef Jean.
Malouda says he wants John Terry or Joe Cole on vocals.
The French midfielder said: “We are just at the beginning of the process and trying to start something special.”

A game of two-hundred halves

WATCHING my team Middlesbrough play may seem to drag some times, but two local football teams in Cheltenham have broken the actual world record for the longest football match.
The two teams, Cambray FC and Cotswold Churches League All Stars, played for 35 hours, with the final score standing at Cambray 293, All Stars 333.
A total of £30,000 was raised towards the building of a school in India with the match.
A Cambray spokesman said: “The event was played in changing conditions. On Friday it was overcast, warm and very dry with the pitch rock hard.
“Saturday during the day was sunny, and then come 5pm on Saturday evening it started to rain torrentially and continued to rain heavy for 15 hours non stop resulting in a complete mud bath on the pitch and very wet players.
“Although we aimed to play for longer the decision was made and votes taken by all the players during an official break at the 35 hour mark to end the event.”

No 9, Frankenstein

THOSE mad scientists at football sponsor Castrol have been working in their labs playing God to stitch together the ultimate athlete.
And after analysing more than 2,000 players from Europe's top five leagues, the insane creation - made up of 10 top players' best bits - was this week unveiled by Ivory Coast manager Sven "Igor-an" Eriksson.
With combined attributes worth more than £270m, the fictional footballer boasts -
● Peter Crouch's towering height
● Xavi's eyes and vision
● Paolo Maldini's resolute chin
● Michael Ballack's ample chest
● Rory Delap's shot-putting arms
● Julio Cesar's velcro hands
● Christiano Ronaldo's gazelle legs
● Lionel Messi's deadly left foot
● Thierry Henry's slightly less deadly right foot
● and, er, Carles Puyol's flowing hair
Now surely Puyol's hair gives him no advantage on the pitch - if anything, it'd get in the way.
Nevertheless, praise has been heaped on the hypothetical footballer.
Eriksson said: "I’ve been lucky enough to work with many of the world’s best footballers in my career, but this truly is the Ultimate Performing Player."
And Ronaldo said: "I am very proud that my legs have been included here because all players know that the legs are so important to our game."

A Kaka attack?

A JUICY little piece of transfer gossip reached Goaltastic's feelers today - a piece of tittle tattle even more exciting than the Cisse to Blackburn revelation.
Apparently Brazilian superstar Kaka - the man who memorably ran rings around the Man U defence a few Champions League campaigns ago - is wanted by Carlo Ancelloti and Chelsea, according to the Spanish media.
After a muted season with Real Madrid, for the right fee Kaka may well join the blues and team up with Ancelloti, who he is well acquainted with after their time at AC Milan.
Fingers crossed, Chelsea fans.

Maclaren's Dutch courage

WELL done to Steve Maclaren, who this weekend wrapped up the Dutch Eredivisie title with his FC Twente side.
The umbrella-wielding manager, vilified in England after his tenure as national boss, led the side to their first title with a 2-0 win over NAC Breda on Sunday - making him the first Englishman to win a major honour abroad since Sir Bobby Robson led Porto to a league title in 1996.
As a Middlesbrough fan I experienced first hand the wild ride that having Maclaren as a manager takes you on - flirting with relegation and cup glory, often within days of each other.
And the legendary UEFA Cup run which saw Boro beat the likes of Basel and Steaua Bucharest to reach the final was more unpredictable than a night out with Paul Gascoigne.
No offence to Gordon Strachan, but you're welcome back any time, Steve.

Footie's Got Talent

SOME of the biggest names in football will be locking horns this summer to contest one of the most exclusive prizes in the game.
No, not the World Cup - A:3K Football, a Saturday night TV talent competition for professional footballers.
The gladatorial games, taking place at the O2 in London on July 17 and screened on ITV, will see Didier Drogba, David Villa, Cesc Fabregas and Steven Gerrard, as well as two more world superstars yet to be unveiled, taking part.
Rumours are these will be Christiano Ronaldo and Wayne Rooney.
A skill-based event, rounds will include dribbling and shooting, repeatedly volleying shots at targets, maybe a game of wallie etc. etc.
However - and this is the best bit - the competition’s finale is a every man for himself match on a special circular black astroturf pitch, with six individual goals for each player to defend, and two balls to fight over.
It’s set to be playground football on steroids - and I can’t wait to watch.

Why should Man City net an advantage?

THE fact that Manchester City may be allowed to sign Marton Fulop on an emergency loan after Shay Given's season-ending injury really irks me.
In today's paper, rival manager Martin O'Neill said he could be accused of sour grapes by criticising the decision to allow them to bring in Hungarian international Fulop - but I totally agree with him.
Man City should and do have enough keepers on their books - so what if one is injured and they can't get Joe Hart back, that's just hard cheese.
The situation echoes the problems across town at Manchester United when Rooney's crocked, or the toothless Liverpool minus Torres - it baffles me that teams who can pay over £30m for a single player can leave themselves with so little depth to their squads.

Ashe for England?

I CAME across an amusing section of the Panini website while researching my new hobby of collecting World Cup stickers like an overgrown kid today - a gizmo where you can put yourself, or anyone else you have a photo of, onto a Panini sticker, and live out your national team call-up fantasies.
Yes, even you, Kevin Davies.
Check me out above, collar popped Eric Cantona-style, ready to answer my country's call.
Maybe.
Click on to http://ww2.mypanini.com/site/sito.aspx?iniziativa=WC_10&idiniziativa=48&lang=BT to try it out for yourself.

Team talk

THERE'S potentially millions of England managers out there, especially in the run-up to the World Cup, so - if you're reading this, FA - cards on the table, I thought I'd devise my personal 23-man squad to take to South Africa.
Let's see if me and Mr Cappello think alike...
First on the team sheet must be Rooney, so I'll start up front.
Alongside the talismanic Liverpudlian would be Carlton Cole and Goaltastic favourite Peter Crouch - with Heskey omitted and melted down for glue at the earliest opportunity.
In attack, Defoe and Zamora would also be on the plane - I like my options up front, okay?
In midfield, you'd be a fool not to have Lampard, Gerrard and Milner on the left as certains, with only right wing up for debate - personally I'd start Lennon, with Walcott the super sub and Bentley as variety.
Filling up the midfield berths are Carrick, Barry and Downing.
In defence, Johnson, Terry, Ferdinand and Cole have it, with Baines, Brown and Upson on the bench.
In nets, Green and Hart can draw straws.
World-beaters? Let me know below.

Waka Waka hey hey

THIS is FIFA's official song for the South Africa World Cup - Waka Waka by Shakira.
Colombian pop sensation Shakira said: "I am honored that Waka Waka (This Time For Africa) was chosen to be part of the excitement and the legacy of the 2010 FIFA World Cup.
"The FIFA World Cup is a miracle of global excitement, connecting every country, race, religion and condition around a single passion.
"It represents an event that has the power to unite and integrate, and that’s what this song is about."
Altogether now, Waka Waka hey hey. No?

Rooney game for Galactico status

WAYNE Rooney for Real Madrid? Pro Evolution Soccer thinks so.
At a recent photo shoot for the football game's 2011 edition, the Manchester United megastar was reportedly snapped in both a Red Devils shirt and the white of Spanish squad Real Madrid, just in case...

SAF knows sweet FA

FOR the past year I have been attempting to prove that SAF knows sweet FA compared to me in Football management terms.
Putting my experience of years playing Championship Manager in the wee hours of the night to good use, I have put together a pretty nifty side on the Premier League's free Fantasy Football game.
And with a season total to date of 2,031, my Ashletico team is currently ranked 117,060 in the world out of two-and-a-half million plus players.
More importantly, it's top of the Loughborough Echo's in-house league with only a few games to play before glory is mine, all mine.
For the second year running, might I add.
Next term, Goaltastic will be running its own league, and all-comers are welcome.
To join, put together a team at http://fantasy.premierleague.com - it's free to do - and then join the Goaltastic league by using the code 1034621-447644.
C'mon Sir Alex, I dare you.

Swapsies, anyone?

NOW I'm no stranger to geekery - I seem to have become the unofficial IT guy in the newsroom, and I've played a game of Dungeons And Dragons in my time.
But I have "levelled up" my geekery a notch this week. I couldn't help it.
There I was, queuing in my local supermarket, when the words "Free" and "Sticker Album" caught my eye.
Two days later, and I've got a Panini South Africa 2010 FIFA World Cup sticker collection including the likes Frank Lampard, Fernando Torres, Kaka, John Terry, Didier Drogba and, er, Steve Cherundolo.
Only 600 or so stickers to go...
So if anyone out there wants to do swapsies with a rather sad 27-year-old man, drop me a line.

Make Emile of it

ACCORDING to new research, bumbling target man Emile Heskey is one of the best things to think about during sex.
The lumbering Aston Villa forward was recommended by a majority of men surveyed as the perfect thought to make romps last longer - better than Thomas The Tank Engine, mathematical puzzles or repeating "unique New York" in your head.
Unless, of course, you are Fabio Cappello - who must have some sort of crush, considering he keeps picking the goal shy striker for England.

Here comes the rumour mill

WITH the season drawing to a close, transfer talk is once again looming.
And aside from the usual rumours - premiership stars like Fabregas and Rooney heading to Spain, Man City looking to buy the moon on a stick as cover for Shay Given etc. - one target caught my eye.
Bovine manager Sam Allardyce is looking to bring former Liverpool and Sunderland striker to Blackburn next term - and I salute him.
The French striker, officially the Lord of Frodsham Manor, has a playing style as eccentric as his hairdos, all heads-down sprints and thunderbolt shots, and always livens up proceedings.
More players like this, please, Premiership.